Suffering and failure are part of each success story

As women we are born strong, but somehow we feel our greatest strength lies in hiding our weakness.

Even I have felt it sometimes..

Like every woman I am strong, but just like most women , I feel that any sign of vulnerability is a step towards failure. I hide my moments of defeat, just like some women put concealer on scars on their face.

Sometimes to tell the greatest story of success, one has to first write the prologue of failure.

The sufferings are true, and part of the journey, but most people are afraid to tell their whole story. Can you imagine a child learning to walk without falling down?

• I have cried in front of my daughter over small issues but there are times when I have remained calm and shielded her from the hurricanes that hit my world.
• I have a temper and I have patience.
• I also give free advice to people esp when I feel they need to hear the bitter truth; I have received the same and it has done me good.
• I am not glamorous, I can be a fashion nightmare.
• I have my bad hair day (almost everyday)
• Sometimes I am not eloquent and curse myself when I scramble my head for the exact word.
• I buy books which gather layers of dust before I can actually read them.
• I am not fond of cooking daily (only therapeutically to calm myself) but still I love to make my daughter’s school lunch.
• I have had rocky spells in my marriage (and sometimes used the rocks to build the foundation)
• I have had rough days at work,I have partnered to build something exquisite and I have parted ways too.
• I have fought with my parents and siblings but i trust them the most.

(yes, I’m my own living contradiction, but aren’t we all constantly fighting between whims and reality?)

I am sometimes scared to start all over- again,from scratch, but I’d rather give it my best, than give up.

I have felt like an under-achiever, felt I haven’t accomplished everything I dreamed of and felt I am not good enough. If you feel this way on somedays, then you just need to be kind to yourself and drop the hourglass of expectations.

Life doesn’t always happen in the order we wish, sometimes the sequence may be different, but we eventually get all that we want and deserve. Keep doing your Karma (and while you are at it, do intelligent-hard work)

Despite my imperfections, I show up for life. Despite being beaten-down, I won’t give up.

Every failure, every defeat is the battle scar I have earned, marching my way to winning-big or small.

(These thoughts came up when www.ngoexpress.com along with Sampradaa Collections started a #Powersaree contest on Instagram @sampradaa, inviting women to share their empowering moment, their saree stories, tales of rocking the world in ethnic elegance-often liek our mothers and grandmothers, and celebrating being a superwoman in their special cape- The Saree. I still come across women who need encouragement to be proud of reciting their life story, because each story is unique and is meant to help someone out there)

Not all violence is physical

 

 

One morning I woke up from a distressing dream. I had some marks on my face like camouflage paint, that despite rubbing and washing, were not coming off. I had to go out with family and they said, “you cant go out looking like that?”

“I have no choice, but to go” I replied.

That’s when I woke up , still contemplating about the dream. I have never had tattoos (Scars? yes. Body art ?no !) I snuggled with my warm cup of tea, looking at the swirling smoke over the cup creating a haze, which somehow always makes me think clearly. During that moment of “Chai Nirvana” it occurred, not all violence is physical. The marks on my face represented the emotional wounds.

As women, we stand up for women who suffer domestic violence and violence outside in society. As humans we stand against any physical violence whether to man ,woman or child… even the four legged & winged friends.

We often ignore and undermine the non-physical violence.

The three common forms of non-physical violence 99% of humanity has suffered from are Complaint, Criticism and Comparison.

When your spouse is constantly complaining to you about everything at home, at work, and in life; As though everything wrong in the world is your fault? Most often complains are projected at the receiver like guns charged with bullets of blame.

From house being disorganized, to late bill payments, misplaced objects, to food not made to suit someone’s high palette, dirty laundry, to unruly kids, travel plans not going as imagined, monthly budget gone astray because of unexpected expenses, maid miseries, issues with his/her family? Trust me you cannot be everything rolled into one- an organizer, personal assistant, butler, chef, financial planner, HR department, travel agent and in-house psychiatrist… oh ! lest I forget Mary Poppins too!

Unfortunately, in light of complains, we strive to be everything and land up being just a beaten down version of wonder-woman/superman. Yes, we all have super-powers. Please accept that you are superhuman because unlike the movie, real life is not scripted. You are playing your part to the best of your abilities in any given circumstances. Just like the superheroines/superheroes in movies, you are dealing with unimaginable situations using your wits and having faith.

Complains are little invisible stones thrown at you. They scar your soul, leaving a wounded individual. Except that the wounds are not seen by naked eyes.

Now , second form of violence is criticism. Like advice, it is dispensed freely. We criticize everyone as though we are qualified to do so- the rare jack of all and master of all too!

It appears most humans have Honorary Doctorate in criticism from the school of life!

The next time someone criticizes you for not doing your work well, ask them “ do you really think you can do it better? Then go ahead, do it!” Criticism is perfect imagination sans action. It’s someone being king of cloud cuckoo land.

Of course there is constructive criticism, but that’s rare like common sense.

Lastly, we mortals have found a way to self-torture ourselves by just using our mind. This method is called Comparison. It is one of the worst forms of emotional abuse that we all are subjected to. However this one is often self-inflicted in most adults. Even though as parents we keep comparing our children with their peers and increasing pressure on them, we seldom remember how terrible we felt when compared to our classmates and siblings? Comparison lowers self-esteem , but what it also does is crush the spirit and shrink the infinite ability we have to dream and achieve.

We compare our situation with those appearing better-off in anyway, our looks with the apparent modelesque friend, we keep comparing our income, our lifestyle , our success, our appearances, our family, our opportunities!

If only you could swap life with another, you will face a set of bigger challenges. Would you all like to be a successful businessman who was kicked out of his own company, gathered fortitude to succeed, touch lives but died of cancer? Will you be willing to workout like the fit buddy in gym or a farmer who toils at the field everyday? Is there an ideal family with no friction? Is the prada wearing, botox filled, chauffer driven lady as happy as her appearances, or she has a well of tears in her heart and laden with insecurities?

Does any job have a boss who let’s you work on your own terms and never criticizes you? Does any business have customers who won’t complain?

If every comparison was a permanent tattoo on your body, then imagine what you would look like? You would be a big piece of art screaming “I’m not good enough” . Yes, the camouflage paints from the dream that won’t wash off.

Recognize these abuses in daily life. Accept that complains, comparison and criticism exists, in us and around us. Accept them for what they are–a form of violence.

Finally, let go of it, because not all violence is physical, but the non-physical violence leaves deeper wounds.

Do not receive it, do not give it.

 

1st image source : John Hain (www.pixabay.com)

Is “hashtag feminism” enough or have we failed ourselves?

In 21st century, The buzzword has moved from “armchair” to “hashtag” , but both are not the same when used in context of “feminism”.

Are we truly a generation of “hashtag feminists”?

Instead of long debates, we choose to communicate via hashtags (a superpower of 21st century mortals to be able to express their emotions compressed in hashtags). People should move beyond the negative connotation of the phrase “hashtag feminism”

Hashtags have become like titles of  a book  that binds pages of individual stories. It has helped spread awareness about the sufferings of women. It has encouraged women to come together and stand up to publicly speak about the abuse they suffered.

#metoo has brought to light the perils faced by all women who have been abused, and this is but a small number. #whyistayed was an eyeopener for many suffering from domestic violence. #neverthelessshepersisted stood for women speaking up, when asked to be silenced. There are so many women who do not have access to social media to voice their sufferings. I’m sure most women have at some point wished for parthogenesis, where only the female of a species exist, like mourning geckos!

The only point where hashtag feminism has failed us is when the society around us doesn’t change .

There was a time, a decade ago, when I could still walk down the street at night in my own neighbourhood. Fast forward to this time , I feel unsafe after dark.

The society is progressing and degenerating, simultaneously.

More women are joining workforce , but they are not equally paid. More women are stepping out of their homes, but are unsafe. More emphasis is on having a girl child, but there is an increase in abusing girls.

As women, we feel unsafe. As mothers, we worry about our daughters. As daughters, we worry about our mothers. As sisters, we worry about our sisters. As friends, We worry about our lady friends. As a woman, I worry about all other girls and women out there.

We have seen an increased number of rape incidents and absolutely no effort to curb it. The laws are not stringent enough, and moral compasses are broken.

The three branches of government- executive, judiciary and legislature have failed us. Instead of being a holy trident which can be saviour for women, it is a rusted institution, ineffective to cut out the evil…

Will demanding and enforcing more stringent laws be a step towards actually safeguarding women? Changes in legislation are foundations on which edifices of social reforms are built. India has witnessed that to bring social change, first a tough legislation has to be brought in and an even draconian punishment. However, Laws only act as pointers in directions of virtues, rather than human behaviour auto-correcting itself.

How long can we just blame the government? Is moral policing also a part of civil society activism ? Are moralities not part of family institutions and basic fibre of society ? Do we always need fear of legal consequences to live up to basic moral values ?

Why are women not walking the streets , taking over cityscape demanding justice and protection? Because cities are not safe, but “hashtag feminism” is still slightly safer,if not completely immune to abuses by men.

However, I still call out the ladies , let’s do something to make our society safe. Let’s join hands together. Let’s March forward and demand our place as honourable citizens of this society rather than being treated as commodity that anyone can use?

The blind Lady Justice needs to open her eyes, throw away the scale  and lift her sword, demanding justice, and respect