Not all violence is physical

 

 

One morning I woke up from a distressing dream. I had some marks on my face like camouflage paint, that despite rubbing and washing, were not coming off. I had to go out with family and they said, “you cant go out looking like that?”

“I have no choice, but to go” I replied.

That’s when I woke up , still contemplating about the dream. I have never had tattoos (Scars? yes. Body art ?no !) I snuggled with my warm cup of tea, looking at the swirling smoke over the cup creating a haze, which somehow always makes me think clearly. During that moment of “Chai Nirvana” it occurred, not all violence is physical. The marks on my face represented the emotional wounds.

As women, we stand up for women who suffer domestic violence and violence outside in society. As humans we stand against any physical violence whether to man ,woman or child… even the four legged & winged friends.

We often ignore and undermine the non-physical violence.

The three common forms of non-physical violence 99% of humanity has suffered from are Complaint, Criticism and Comparison.

When your spouse is constantly complaining to you about everything at home, at work, and in life; As though everything wrong in the world is your fault? Most often complains are projected at the receiver like guns charged with bullets of blame.

From house being disorganized, to late bill payments, misplaced objects, to food not made to suit someone’s high palette, dirty laundry, to unruly kids, travel plans not going as imagined, monthly budget gone astray because of unexpected expenses, maid miseries, issues with his/her family? Trust me you cannot be everything rolled into one- an organizer, personal assistant, butler, chef, financial planner, HR department, travel agent and in-house psychiatrist… oh ! lest I forget Mary Poppins too!

Unfortunately, in light of complains, we strive to be everything and land up being just a beaten down version of wonder-woman/superman. Yes, we all have super-powers. Please accept that you are superhuman because unlike the movie, real life is not scripted. You are playing your part to the best of your abilities in any given circumstances. Just like the superheroines/superheroes in movies, you are dealing with unimaginable situations using your wits and having faith.

Complains are little invisible stones thrown at you. They scar your soul, leaving a wounded individual. Except that the wounds are not seen by naked eyes.

Now , second form of violence is criticism. Like advice, it is dispensed freely. We criticize everyone as though we are qualified to do so- the rare jack of all and master of all too!

It appears most humans have Honorary Doctorate in criticism from the school of life!

The next time someone criticizes you for not doing your work well, ask them “ do you really think you can do it better? Then go ahead, do it!” Criticism is perfect imagination sans action. It’s someone being king of cloud cuckoo land.

Of course there is constructive criticism, but that’s rare like common sense.

Lastly, we mortals have found a way to self-torture ourselves by just using our mind. This method is called Comparison. It is one of the worst forms of emotional abuse that we all are subjected to. However this one is often self-inflicted in most adults. Even though as parents we keep comparing our children with their peers and increasing pressure on them, we seldom remember how terrible we felt when compared to our classmates and siblings? Comparison lowers self-esteem , but what it also does is crush the spirit and shrink the infinite ability we have to dream and achieve.

We compare our situation with those appearing better-off in anyway, our looks with the apparent modelesque friend, we keep comparing our income, our lifestyle , our success, our appearances, our family, our opportunities!

If only you could swap life with another, you will face a set of bigger challenges. Would you all like to be a successful businessman who was kicked out of his own company, gathered fortitude to succeed, touch lives but died of cancer? Will you be willing to workout like the fit buddy in gym or a farmer who toils at the field everyday? Is there an ideal family with no friction? Is the prada wearing, botox filled, chauffer driven lady as happy as her appearances, or she has a well of tears in her heart and laden with insecurities?

Does any job have a boss who let’s you work on your own terms and never criticizes you? Does any business have customers who won’t complain?

If every comparison was a permanent tattoo on your body, then imagine what you would look like? You would be a big piece of art screaming “I’m not good enough” . Yes, the camouflage paints from the dream that won’t wash off.

Recognize these abuses in daily life. Accept that complains, comparison and criticism exists, in us and around us. Accept them for what they are–a form of violence.

Finally, let go of it, because not all violence is physical, but the non-physical violence leaves deeper wounds.

Do not receive it, do not give it.

 

1st image source : John Hain (www.pixabay.com)

Is “hashtag feminism” enough or have we failed ourselves?

In 21st century, The buzzword has moved from “armchair” to “hashtag” , but both are not the same when used in context of “feminism”.

Are we truly a generation of “hashtag feminists”?

Instead of long debates, we choose to communicate via hashtags (a superpower of 21st century mortals to be able to express their emotions compressed in hashtags). People should move beyond the negative connotation of the phrase “hashtag feminism”

Hashtags have become like titles of  a book  that binds pages of individual stories. It has helped spread awareness about the sufferings of women. It has encouraged women to come together and stand up to publicly speak about the abuse they suffered.

#metoo has brought to light the perils faced by all women who have been abused, and this is but a small number. #whyistayed was an eyeopener for many suffering from domestic violence. #neverthelessshepersisted stood for women speaking up, when asked to be silenced. There are so many women who do not have access to social media to voice their sufferings. I’m sure most women have at some point wished for parthogenesis, where only the female of a species exist, like mourning geckos!

The only point where hashtag feminism has failed us is when the society around us doesn’t change .

There was a time, a decade ago, when I could still walk down the street at night in my own neighbourhood. Fast forward to this time , I feel unsafe after dark.

The society is progressing and degenerating, simultaneously.

More women are joining workforce , but they are not equally paid. More women are stepping out of their homes, but are unsafe. More emphasis is on having a girl child, but there is an increase in abusing girls.

As women, we feel unsafe. As mothers, we worry about our daughters. As daughters, we worry about our mothers. As sisters, we worry about our sisters. As friends, We worry about our lady friends. As a woman, I worry about all other girls and women out there.

We have seen an increased number of rape incidents and absolutely no effort to curb it. The laws are not stringent enough, and moral compasses are broken.

The three branches of government- executive, judiciary and legislature have failed us. Instead of being a holy trident which can be saviour for women, it is a rusted institution, ineffective to cut out the evil…

Will demanding and enforcing more stringent laws be a step towards actually safeguarding women? Changes in legislation are foundations on which edifices of social reforms are built. India has witnessed that to bring social change, first a tough legislation has to be brought in and an even draconian punishment. However, Laws only act as pointers in directions of virtues, rather than human behaviour auto-correcting itself.

How long can we just blame the government? Is moral policing also a part of civil society activism ? Are moralities not part of family institutions and basic fibre of society ? Do we always need fear of legal consequences to live up to basic moral values ?

Why are women not walking the streets , taking over cityscape demanding justice and protection? Because cities are not safe, but “hashtag feminism” is still slightly safer,if not completely immune to abuses by men.

However, I still call out the ladies , let’s do something to make our society safe. Let’s join hands together. Let’s March forward and demand our place as honourable citizens of this society rather than being treated as commodity that anyone can use?

The blind Lady Justice needs to open her eyes, throw away the scale  and lift her sword, demanding justice, and respect

 

 

Saree story – Pre and Post GST

This Diwali season, my sister and I enjoyed going through (read as rummaging) our mother’s saree collection; we wore a couple of her sarees for festive evenings.

On last day of Diwali, I wore a Banarasi saree, which is over 35 years old and has been my favourite since childhood. The fragrance of real zari, along with the gleam and occasional dullness (when left unpolished for years, tucked away in dark corners of a box) are all part of the saree stories that live in crevices of memory.

As I took out this favourite red and green Banarasi saree to wear , I was amazed by the weight of this pure zari elegance. I looked at it in awe, as I reminisced my mother wearing it during pujas at home. The floodgates of involuntary memories opened and I remembered how beautiful my grandmother looked in her sarees — mostly crisp cottons for school , since she was a vice-principle. For all other occasions like pujas and weddings, Nani wore silk sarees. My great-grandmother, who I have little recollection of, was also a saree-lady. She was a teacher in pre-independence India in 1930s, a time when less than 3% Indian women were educated.( as per census, the female literacy rate was 1.8% in 1921 and 2.9 % in 1931 )

 

 

My mother also followed in the graceful “saree” footsteps and the glorious “education” footsteps (though she is a business woman ). Even today she wears saree when she steps out for work whether an office visit or factory. Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and hence education and saree are both important to me too. Though the credit also goes to my father for always encouraging us to chose elegance and intelligence over everything else.

The one fact that my great-grandmother, Nani, mother, & I also shared until earlier this year was, we didn’t have to pay taxes on our sarees. A beautiful fact that was common for generations of women, tax-free Indian wear. My “Grands” definitely departed an India which was free of “saree-tax”. Perhaps, strong laws cannot stand strong women, and they lived through times when Independence for Country and women empowerment was more important than burdening them with taxes. I wonder if My grandmother and great-grandmother would have agreed to paying taxes (GST) on saree? I doubt they would succumb to such tax regimes.

My saree collection is divided into two eras- pre-GST and post-GST.

For working hard wasn’t good enough, nor was taking the time to keep our ethnic wear spirit alive. We must pay 12% taxes on that too.

Taxes are important for Nation-building and with evolving times, taxes evolve too. However, the rates and range of taxes imposed can surely be reconsidered to offer some relief.

right to Breathe (clean air)

Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower. – Albert Camus

image source : pixabay

The Countdown to Diwali has always been associated with the beginning of pleasant autumn mornings when the air is cooler and the tea cup in morning feels warm, not hot. As a child I eagerly counted days to Diwali as soon as the effigy of Ravan was burnt on Dushhera. The wait for Diwali was full of endless to-do lists : buy firecrackers, visit friends , Diwali lights,  Diyas , rangoli designs ideas (the unspoken competition of who makes the best rangoli) and of course our homes inadvertently becoming “ mithai ki dukaan”. On the day of Diwali we eagerly awaited for Lakshmi-puja to be over quickly so that we could burst crackers.

After Diwali , there was the mandatory illness due to allergies.

Now that was my magical childhood. Magical despite the pollution as childhoods often are presumptuously magical.

My motherhood has a different story. Come autumn , I enjoy the mornings from a distance, as though looking out the window but reminiscing in past. I stare outside thinking how much trouble it will be to manage my daughter’s breathing issues. She will miss out on dance and sports due to it. When she is in school, I have to ensure that my work revolves in a periphery of maximum 20 minutes drive to school, as the numerous emergency calls from school due to my daughter’s breathing issues are scary.

My to do list for Diwali still begins after Dushhera which includes Friends to visit, gifts to buy, rangoli design and most importantly stocking up on masks, mosquito patches and inhalers.

Am I blaming Diwali for pollution? Am I blaming change in season for mosquitos leading to dengue mania? Am I saying that it’s various kinds of pollution caused by us which are making us sick?

Am I blaming the farmers for burning stubbles that fill the Delhi air with unbearable smog clogging our lungs and making children fall sick?

Can a different farming technique prevent this cause of pollution across major parts of North India?

Am I blaming the pollution in metropolitan cities caused by variety of factors and not just one?

The toxic gases & particles emitted from bursting firecrackers are more dangerous.

Even though  India’s carbon emissions have increased by 5.2% in 2015 contributing 6.3% of all global CO2 emissions, even though global emissions remained unchanged (researchers at the ‘Global Carbon Project’.)

We are not alone in fireworks, The July 4 fireworks in US emit the equivalent of 50,000 metric tons of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere. (Source inverse.com)

However, cultural celebrations are not the lone cause of pollution.

Industrialisation without consideration for environment, decrease in number of trees per capita , increase in urban density of population, rapid urbanisation with environmental disregard , and mobility of population are amongst the prime reasons for India being ranked 4th in carbon dioxide (kt) emissions (2,454,968 kt)

The difference between reasonable restrictions and blanket ban is the degree of trust put in citizens to be responsible humans. The demand for clean air or even the Right to Breathe is because somewhere over and over again our government has failed to give us holistic economic development.

Thanks, to the Supreme Court’s ban on firecrackers- No one will buy and sell firecrackers in Delhi, it’s a breathing respite. But there will still be buying , selling and burning of firecrackers . There will also be pollution on the other 364 days .

I have an urban jungle in my house and balcony, even though having greenery in house comes with the fear of mosquito-friendly existence. The added electricity bill due to air-purifiers makes me guilty of  consuming electricity by burning fossil fuels in order to have clean air. 

Perhaps now is my turn to demand Right to breathe (clean air). We live in times where high-speed data is more important than clean air. A generation that can tolerate air-pollution but not mobile phones without internet connectivity (carcinogenicity of cell phone towers is a debate for another time )

For now we are gifting plants on Diwali as my 9 year old feels that’s the best gift along with sweets.

Do you “ask Siri” or “just google it”?

Pic courtesy- K.LeMieux

My daughter was telling my husband about Worli art & I was about to ask him to Google it( for visuals explain art better) but watching him patiently listen to our daughter , I stopped. Memories of reading books (sans illustrations) and imagining the features of characters, the scenery and so on flashed across my mind.
Can I let Google stop us from expressing ?
One morning before going to school I told my daughter to keep an extra jacket . Somehow it almost always rains around Indian Republic day. Before i could pass down my memetic wisdom , I heard the now familiarly annoying sound of Siri “how can I help you?”
My daughter told me weather doesn’t look good -Courtesy Siri.
In the world of “Google it” and “ask Siri” the questioning mind is finding answers without human interaction of the real kinds. We talk thru Facebook,watsapp, snapchat & Twitter.

The element of surprise when meeting Friends after long, is gone. Now we are already updated about our friend’s last holiday, the last movie they saw, also the last hot beverage they had -thanks to Facebook. Also the exotic holiday locations and novelty food you can barely pronounce is very familiar- thanks to google.
When running late for meeting, google maps is there to tell the alternate route ( come on we live in a world of alternate facts)
You no longer need to ask for directions unless you don’t know how to read google maps (I remember local press-wala (ironing guy) & paan ki dukaan were the traditional route teller. When at Uni in Melbourne we kept melway in the car for directions)

When was the last time you opened dictionary to look for meaning? I wonder how many out there still have a dictionary (the paper bound and not the app)
We learn recipes from blogs and YouTube – you also learn how to exercise there! Or just press the round button of your iPhone and be transported to “you in wonderland with Siri”.
Fashion is no longer discussed with friends rather searched in quite comfort of mobile-phone by visiting blogs and Instagram.
We would rather Google about the burning relationship trouble than talk to friends (in person)
Even cure for depression is available on Google and rarely in the comfort of your friends. Since most friends are rocking their life with awesome selfies and food clicks (even though a lot of awesomeness is fakebook )

Political opinions are formed on Facebook walls and long debates are published there while shorter ones are saved for tweets.
If you don’t understand fascist from pacifist and neo-liberal from epistemological nihilist – Google it !
I recently saw Britannica being used as objet d’art at a hip pub in Delhi’s Khan Market. When I was younger it was my go to book in quick need of research.
The only good humour was a note at our doctor’s wall “Patient will be charged extra for annoying the doctor with any self-diagnosis gotten off the internet”

About Author- do not Google as those who don’t exist on first page of Google- do not exist at all. No point asking Siri as she/he can’t pronounce the name

Long queues and boots

Source- shutterstock

A short queue at security check in Delhi airport is a traveller’s delight. Because Terminal 1D lives up to its name-slow moving queue is an incurable illness.
There were 3 ladies standing before Sweet daughter & Me. Only to be told to remove boots- my 8 year old gave her boots to me and I removed mine- tip toeing on the cold airport floor because by some magic 18degrees always feels like 8 degrees to me.
Waiting again at security check for my number after putting our boots in for a scan, I couldn’t stop but wonder why such few security check counter for women?
Average ratio of security check counter is 1 counter for women, for every 2 counters for men.While our sex ratio is 940 females per thousand males.
Does our government believe that less women travel, less women work, empowerment is an urban legend & we have a skewed up sex ratio?

As I saw the boots pass thru X-ray scan faster than my number in this “oh-so-long queue” I wondered if they found any hidden candies in sweet daughter’s boots? After all it was the day after Christmas and perhaps Santa filled our boots too.Next Christmas gift us more gender equality .

 

Don’t be afraid of Failure, be afraid of quitting.

There are moments of failures in everyone’s life. You should not let that fear stop you. When you started walking , you fell many times.

A baby isn’t afraid of failure.
Also the baby in its most pristine stage of life doesn’t know the concept of quitting nor does it understand failure. Baby only tries to walk and receives positive encouragement for that. Only thru years of human conditioning do we learn the concept to “failure”. Worst still we learn the option of “quitting”

It’s time to unlearn . Failure isn’t full stop to success. Rather it is just a diversion, the route taken didn’t work, we need to change something or just try harder. Quitting has to be forgotten. Quitting is not an option but an end to all dreams,hopes and possibilities.

Bring out the child in you again.
Believe without doubt in your ability to do whatever you decide- just take the first step